Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today

TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem

ME: *raising hand confidently* no

Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.

Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.

Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!

When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.

We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…

Me: Happy Easter!

Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!

Me: The Jesus thing?

Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!

How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?

Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?

I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.

I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.

I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore

*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*

[dinner at fergie’s house]

fergie: what do you think of the food i made?

me: it’s ok

fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?

Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*

*trying to start a tickle fight

Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body

Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato

Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart

You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃

There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again

I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel

I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.

Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti

Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that

My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean

Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.

The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.

USA: …

World: right?

USA: …

World: RIGHT?

USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys

My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.

If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying

A late person is never happier than when the person they’re meeting is later than them

I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.