@KattsDogma

Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!

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@dksc4life

MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.

@Doughbvy

ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.

ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.

@msmollybee25

Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.

@CrazyExhaustion

Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”

The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.

@KeetPotato

[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]

@Thedudish

My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.

@daemonic3

date: this is my first time at a french restaurant

me: i feel like i’ve been here once before

date: are you having deja vu?

me: no i’m having the chicken

@EliBraden

71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.