Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
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Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else