Guys, I found it.
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Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
My wife just randomly put on a Gregorian Monks CD and started flicking through a magazine, which made me feel a bit uneasy. I never leaf anything to chants.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
what is cheese if not milk persevering
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?