Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.

Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.

check in attendant: are you flying alone?

me: I’ll probably need a pilot

It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.

I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions

Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you

You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.

Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?

-every kid ever

u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap

Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing

Me: fine

[Later]

Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands

Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.

7YO: Daddy you’re so talented

Me: Awww Thank Y..

7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing

Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.

i thought i was being cool by telling a young barista that her t-shirt had my friend’s band on it, and she said, “oh i really respect the older generation”

“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl

Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.

[Getting home from fishing trip]

MOM: Catch anything?

ME: No, but a bear did.

MOM: Where’s your father?

My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.

I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.

-Herpes

I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok

Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.

Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”

There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.

banana peels are my favorite fall accessories

Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.

My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.

Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about

Some people are just better left alone.

In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.