Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer

I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.

That’s “Mr. Human Scum” to you, buddy.

I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.

Annnd that’s how the fight started.

Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.

Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.

Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.

Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?

Me: on the wall!

Hitman: that’s a spider

Me: kill it!

{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!

PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.

8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.

Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.

8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?

Me: Ask your mom.

so much to do

[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]

Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—

Real mother: get out.

[credits roll]

[During sex]

Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?

Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?

My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them

Ah, 50s…you just keep on giving.

i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg

I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.

If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.

Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.

[interview to be a valet]

me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker

interviewer: you’re hired

#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck

The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10

1980s : average parent ; 4 kids

2016: average kid ; 4 parents

As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.

I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.

~Late night couch potato dilemma

Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…

Me: …because I still need it.

The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case

[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?

Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…

*opens laptop
*types

Wife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.