Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
You Might Also Like
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
i just found out my husband has a hot dog counter on his phone to track his yearly intake of hot dogs
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
when they have a dream sequence in a movie, how do they film the person’s dream?
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
6 YEAR OLD: how hard do you have to punch someone in the butt to make it fall off?
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
my grandfather spent many decades & his entire life savings unsuccessfully trying to develop & grow the world’s first ham sandwich tree
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
“This Tweet has been deleted.”
A thread 🧵
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district