Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
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Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
I told my boyfriend I had a dream we broke up and I started dating a guy named Arthur and now he won’t stop calling himself “Daytime Arthur”
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Hey i am sexy to you now
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
I have always been pro people but my god you f***ers have ground me down.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”