Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
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Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
how high up are we talkin’?
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Happy weekend !
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
