Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
You Might Also Like
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor