Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
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I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
Love is always patient and kind.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping