Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Escape rooms were invented by introverts. Only they would pay money to leave somewhere in less than an hour.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
