Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester

cop: you know why i pulled you over

me: …no ?

cop: come on dude

me: maybe i had a few too many–

cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk

me: i–

cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there

If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.

The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.

Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!

*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes

Walmart is crazy like why did I have a polite conversation with a stranger about mustard

Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.

make up your mind

My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers

me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there

Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–

me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich

Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb

We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”

Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?

bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!

me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no

Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!

three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.

We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.

Or at least I am.

giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang

ME: let me try a yo-yo trick

DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no

A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.

Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”

Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman

I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher

Husband: you’re late

Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog

Husband: No

Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster

Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).

” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.

Said no one ever.

Meow?

Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.

Customer: Really? I don’t like it.

Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT

[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seek

me: nice to meet you

voice from behind the photocopier: you too