@Lisa_Laughs_

Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.

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@Michael_Erhart

Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.

Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”

@IamJackBoot

I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.

What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.

@PettyRuxpin83

Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.

@SJSchauer

Guy: I want to be more than friends

Me: like business owners?

@OctopusCaveman

I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.

@girlontapas

I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.

@369ffs

me: I can’t sleep

her: count some sheep

me [1647 sheep later]: this is bullshit

@TheRealRHB

I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream

@StoneAgeRadio13

WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them

ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?

@simoncholland

Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.