Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
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PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam