I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Guys, I just got myself a new liquor cabinet!
The salesperson keeps calling it a 3 bedroom house for some reason. but its a liquor cabinet.
You Might Also Like
HER: let the turkey rest for a while before carving
ME: *turns off treadmill* take a break buddy
If he’s dumb enough to send you a generic message in a mass text…be smart enough to reply to all
“I still haven’t gotten my period.”
Chicken Parmesan is just regular Parmesan that’s too afraid to ask her if she wants to dance
I’m at an age where “getting lucky” only means I have the house to myself…
Cashier: your total is only 4 bucks
Me: *taking back the 5th deer* whoops, my bad
When I’m bored I venmo cash to strangers with messages like “you looked so peaceful while you were sleeping”.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
*skateboarding at 16
I don’t care about girls, I’m skating.
*skateboarding at 43
I should have had more sex when I was 16.
When I met you I was completely blown away because the wind was ridiculous.