Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
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My birth announcement for our third baby
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
You can’t outrun your problems…
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
So that’s what we looked like?
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.