@bananainches

Guys, I just got myself a new liquor cabinet!

The salesperson keeps calling it a 3 bedroom house for some reason. but its a liquor cabinet.

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@MrFornicator

I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.

@sonictyrant

HER: let the turkey rest for a while before carving

ME: *turns off treadmill* take a break buddy

@Pirate_nurse

If he’s dumb enough to send you a generic message in a mass text…be smart enough to reply to all

“I still haven’t gotten my period.”

@DaddyJew

Chicken Parmesan is just regular Parmesan that’s too afraid to ask her if she wants to dance

@myboots111

I’m at an age where “getting lucky” only means I have the house to myself…

@Divergentmama

Cashier: your total is only 4 bucks

Me: *taking back the 5th deer* whoops, my bad

@LittleMissAngr1

When I’m bored I venmo cash to strangers with messages like “you looked so peaceful while you were sleeping”.

@tastefactory

I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.

@FuckabillyRex

*skateboarding at 16
I don’t care about girls, I’m skating.

*skateboarding at 43
I should have had more sex when I was 16.

@gaynorlsimpson

When I met you I was completely blown away because the wind was ridiculous.