Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?

Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.

Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.

UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”

Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.

my premium snap prices:

-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15

Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.

Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.

I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.

Apologies to our waitress Amy who said to my dad, “wanna box for the leftovers?” and he replied, “no, but I’ll wrestle you for them” hope we tipped enough

There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.

This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.

I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.

I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.

How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant

Caveman 1: Tell me a story.

Caveman 2: Once upon a time….

Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!

Possum 911: What’s your emergency

Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!

Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?

Possum: Oh yeah

This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday

This evening, I’m learning to play the drums

[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds

Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.

My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—

I started to call my friend “bro” but decided mid-word to switch to “dude” so it came out as “boo” and there’s just no recovering from that

What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?

I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!

Phone

Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.

Person: But if you could just—

Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me

I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”

Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.

Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.

Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.

Day 57: There is no end in sight.

[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]

“HEY! NO LITERING–”

shh wait

[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]

You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noises

You look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH

It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC

[therapy]

ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me

PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family

Planning a wild goose chase if anyone wants anything

I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong