Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK

Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.

A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.

I’m sorry I don’t speak any English

-me when someone starts talking to me

Only 10 more days til Halloween!

merriam-webster followed and then unfollowed me. not very definitive of them

If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.

[Prison visit]

Me: I finally have a date for my execution

GF: WHO IS SHE

“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”

Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets

They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.

I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.

I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.

I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.

REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house

I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”

my daughter told me that I am eating my elderly era. I’m not sure what that means and if I should thank her or ground her

Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.

If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.

You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.

Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”

Corporate Email: To add professionalism to all company correspondence, please make sure to add a photo to your profile.

Me: Okay.

ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years

WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever

Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight

Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots

How about a bird that ruins people’s lives

-God creating roosters

I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born

me: before you hire me, you should know i take things

interviewer: like what?

me: time and care

interviewer: oh haha

me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits

The dog version of Die Hard:

– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle

just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet