Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
Guys I just seen this girl crying outside of my local mall. I asked her what’s wrong, she said she lost 200$. So I gave her 40$ from the 200$ I picked up at the entrance. When God blesses you, you must bless others. Spread love. ❤️❤️
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If six years of marriage has taught me anything its that couches are surprisingly comfortable to sleep on.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
[throws bread to a duck]
Duck: I have a boyfriend
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!
Me: thanks God!
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Hangovers: Where the spirits you drink the night before haunt you the next day.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*