Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
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Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Just say no
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.