Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.

a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes

Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:

I don’t usually break into song. BUT…

[being beat down with health, family, work issues]

Me: I will remain positive at all times

[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]

Me: I am going to fire God

i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar

I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.

Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.

Wife: Of course not, where is he?

Me: I just told you.

My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI

Dentists will turn to their nurses and say
‘A24 – fatal traumatic root eruption’
and then turn to you like ‘all healthy 👍’

17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*

Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*

Me, literally climbing out of a dumpster: Can I give you some personal advice?

You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.

When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.

Or so I’ve been told.

Twice now.

About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.

When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.

Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.

That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.

long distance relationships can work if the 4 of you all truly trust each other.

Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.

Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.

As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job

I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool

Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”

6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”

*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*

8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”

Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector

Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.

I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.

WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?

SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN

The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.

@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fine

Scorpion: Give me a hug

Sub-Zero: Umm no..

Scorpion: GET OVER HERE

“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever