Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
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Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
when people your age have their shit together and you have no idea what you’re doing
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
As per my previous tablet…
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
Meat Cute
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
i don’t gossip at work i circle back for important new interpersonal developments regarding workplace associates
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
The news
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
If you’re wondering how motherhood is going, I’m watching a TV show and someone is in traction with a full body cast and I sighed and said “That looks so relaxing”