Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
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Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Stealing hoodies is for amateurs. Steal his car like a real woman.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu