Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
You Might Also Like
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
you’re an adult – don’t let anyone ruin your life and peace. You can do that shit on your own.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
I’m ready for Halloween this year
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
#inspiration #foodforthought
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
My dad : My mom :
Disciplined Graceful🤝
Me : Disgrace😭
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always