Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine

Judge: Still guilty.

[house party]

ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?

HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?

ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?

“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk

PSA: be sure to put your cup underneath the coffee maker before you turn it on

Types of Amazon reviews:

9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!

283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck

5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke

1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender

My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.

[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”

Yes

“Care to elaborate?”

No

Like many people of my generation I was brought up to live my life believing in the virtue of delayed gratification.

I’m now in my 60s and it’s too soon to say whether it was worth it.

I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.

[gets anchor tattoo removed]

Oh dear

[slowly floats towards the sun]

*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*

And now we wait.

When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.

My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.

[at a dinner party]

Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?

Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*

Me: you’re all blocking the table

[the inventor of corn chips]

What if knives were delicious?

ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses

Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.

THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?

THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?

THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.

Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.

wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*

[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is

My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.

My dad teaching me to drive

Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.

I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.

Mom: I need your email address.
Me: okay it’s Rodlacroix-
Mom: WAIT. R…
Me: Mom-
Mom: O-
Me:
Mom: Okay then what?
Me: MOM IT IS LITERALLY MY NAME

Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.

I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery

All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”

Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.