guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
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FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
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No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
who did the taste test?
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Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.