guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
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I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
I missed you with all my darts
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
When we’re old the children will use covid to explain our brain damaged opinions much like we do to boomers with lead. It is fate