guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
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The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”