Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…

Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf

Me: Get the hell out of my sight!

The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.

Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”

I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”

5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.

You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?

one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks

Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything

Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.

Get it together, toddlers.

I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me

“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”

Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?

Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.

I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk

her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college

me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?

talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me

Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…

They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.

My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.

Wish me lick.

Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder

Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings

If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.

OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for

GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome

CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.

FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.

Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.

“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside

There are 3 types of people:

1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people

My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch

Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.

They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.

Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.

---

anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group

me: i need answers

smashmouth guy: please i have a family

me: [tasing him again] who told you?

smashmouth guy: aaagh

me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me

smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY

Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”

Priest: “It’s because of the moon”

Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”

Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”