Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
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[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
i think my razor is having a panic attack
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.