Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
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I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Whoa 😂
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
Might run for office so everyone can see how skinny I was back in college.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
My teenage niece and nephew refer to everything before the year 2000 as “the 1900’s” and, while technically correct, it still makes me want to slap them.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
Sometimes American Magic is the only way to go.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”