Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
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If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
Cashier: “Have a great day!”
Me: “No thank you.”
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
reviewed some movies recently
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.