Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
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You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
My new favorite headline
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.