Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?

3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:

1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave

Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.

them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait

My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.

I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.

On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.

Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.

Okey dokey.

Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?

CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home

Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.

im so bored im gonna join a poly relationship and stage a coup and kick the main one out

Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?

Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.

My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23

How’d you get a black eye?

Walked into a door.

[Later, another shiner]

More doors?

*nods*

One does not simply walk into more doors.

Me: In the grand scheme of things nothing really matters. We are dust in the wind. An ethereal speck in the wonder of time.
Boss: I’m still going to need you to come to work on time.

Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.

quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison

I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.

My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.

Dua Lipa is a fantastic singer AND Mario’s advice to Luigi when he wants to get on a slightly higher platform

I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday

A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.

Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.

I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.

I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.

Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday

In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned