Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
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Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
My daughter has been super nice lately and encouraging me to take naps so I can rest and I just discovered that while I’ve been doing that she’s been slowly decimating my secret candy stash
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
Just shared my screen in a business meeting, and realised that my desktop was showing a google search for “where did Scrooge McDuck get his money?”
can’t get enough of this specific type of Olympic event. happy to hear arguments for others
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Sometimes, when I’m on a date with my wife of sixteen years, I break awkward silences by saying first date things like “so, I’ve never dated a mom before”
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
*looks at you in batman voice*
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea