Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
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absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Mi casa es su casa, where casa is not equal to the last beer in the fridge.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle. Yet, when I do it, it’s “disconcerting”?
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.