Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
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Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.