Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.

…but like… what if I WANT new socks for Christmas?

Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.

Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists

3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.

3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?

She’s going to crush high school.

Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got engaged, broke up, married other people, had children, reunited, got married, broke up again, and I’ve been single that whole time.

My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.

Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain

Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed

Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?

it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)

roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”

Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”

Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*

There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group

MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh

The rainbow lorikeets outside my office explained that purchasing fancy new binoculars today to see birds better was probably unnecessary.

I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.

My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.

[Jesus on the cross]

*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”

*5 hrs pass*

“new phone. who dis?”

My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.

Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.

Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?

Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.

“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”

– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now

I’m so smart, I got rid of cable and now I only have $638 in monthly streaming services

Remember kids, when you get assigned the special kinda illegal project at work – it’s not because you’re on the inner circle – it’s because you’re the expendable fall guy weakling who will misinterpret inclusion to illicit conspiracy as the illusion of respect you crave.

Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.

CEO: Dang it. That means-

Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.

asked where the oysters were from and the waitress said “the sea”. never change, atlanta

I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?