Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.

The Onion called it…again.

Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.

Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?

M: Yup

B: What did you eat?

M: 17 beers

B: …

People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer

Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon

Me in tagged photos

The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.

What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?

Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.

do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus

I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.

I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.

*waves arm in the direction of the lake*

One day, all this will be yours.

12: Are you threatening to drown me?

Me: Just make your bed, k?

devil:

first guy in hell:

devil:

first guy in hell:

devil:

first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…

devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up

Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.

Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.

*Mom makes me take out the garbage*

*Garbage and I begin to date*

*I start taking things too fast*

*Garbage dumps me*

Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.

If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.

Due to unfortunate circumstances things are no longer fergalicious nor bootylicious

Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?

Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*

Me: yes.

I hope this is the year my teen learns how to turn off a light when she leaves a room.

The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems

Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!

Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.

* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂

Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.

Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.

M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee

H: Still right beside you.

“Can you put it all in an email?”

Translations:

1. I haven’t been listening
2. I have been listening and what you’re saying is important, but I simply won’t remember it all
3. I have been listening but you’re going on a bit and I’d like you to go away now
4. I want a…

Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys

Friend: pls stop curling children

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo

Alfred: right away, Bruce-o

[Orange Juice on tinder]

TINDER: “You have a match!

Orange juice: “Oh great!”

TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”

Orange juice: “Oh no.”