Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend

Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either

My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.

My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes

living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else

Bold of you to assume I have the energy to even climb a hill to die on.

this got me crying😭😭

ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.

I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…

The Recipe for Disaster in me, recognizes the Appetite for Destruction in you.

[First date]

Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”

Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”

I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.

optimus prime: did she just wink at me?

me: i think she’s turning left

My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.

Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks

You can make friends in a doctor’s waiting room as long as you have something broken and not something coughing

LMFAOOOO

me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel

also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti

Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.

4: The baby has a lot of skin!

Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…

4:

Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….

4:

Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.

*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost

[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX

Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.

The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had

Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.

The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.

A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.

Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??

me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!

I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars

My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.