Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”

No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate

Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?

99 bottles of beer on the wall?

Challenge accepted

Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”

5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.

Me: OK, then no ice cream.

5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.

You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket

Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley

Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……

but cannibals are the real humanitarians.

My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away

Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby

Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.

Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.

Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.

Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne

My 3 moods:

1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit

[first day on the job as a drug dealer]

*giggles*

“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”

*gets stabbed*

What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.

people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day

584.

if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.

ㅤ

Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.

I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.

Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,

I don’t understand.

“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.

It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you

The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.

twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)

It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis

Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:

My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.