Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
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I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.