Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”

When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”

Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”

Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.

Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.

My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party

I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken

*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes

Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?

Me:

H:

Me:

H: …you look great

Breakfast in bed.

My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.

[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]

Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are

venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason

Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early

I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.

[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT

7: are eggs vegetables?

10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!

[first day as a Detective]

me: omg he was invisible

partner: that’s a chalk outline

me: [under breath] and they stole the body

Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing

Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.

Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.

If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too

ew if literal: let me be clear

NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.

GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.

ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol

I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”

How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?

Can anyone recommend some basic intrusive thoughts for someone looking to get into anxiety?

Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,

WE HATE YOU!

Sincerely,

Everyone born in December.

As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle

the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it

awesome draft from months ago i just found