Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.

Good news: multiple library patrons have said they love my Halloween costume. Bad news: I wasn’t aware I was wearing a costume.

“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows

Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.

If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.

harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ

My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.

Little does she know, her father is the prank master

Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.

[in the park]

ME: aww look a baby

WIFE: is it on me?!

ME: um no it’s in a stroll-

WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME

Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.

My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.

I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.

I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.

WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes

HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes

MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed

Her, 6: I have a secret

Me: What is it?

Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker

Me: Oh no

Her: yeeeah

This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.

Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker

(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it

Her: I love a bad guy

Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.

When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.

Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe

Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?

Kid: Yep

Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher

Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking

How to walk around a museum

True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..

Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”

me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]

him: [on deathbed] NURSE

me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u

When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.

Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.

Twitter.

Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”