Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

teacher: “there are no stupid questions”

me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”

i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”

me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents

[first time golfing]

caddy: which club would you like sir

me: do you have turkey

My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?

I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73

I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.

You’re not meant to sit on them.

They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.

selena gomez

[being seated for blind date]

her: have you ever been on one of these before

me: yeah I love chairs

If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.

I have also decided to not buy Twitter.

My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window

I’m so hungry I could eat an apple

We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?

I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60

He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”

She said: “What? Like…today?”

*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?

The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.

And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.

I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.

new shirt idea

Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail

Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”

Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?

INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]

Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.

therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?

me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters

therapist: get out

I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?