Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
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*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
my google home just took a command from the movie I was watching and said “got it, now playing ‘I’m the one’ by DJ Khaled featuring Justin Bieber” and when I said STOP it stopped playing the movie I was watching. Everything is insane
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
Someone stole the C and L off my work besties door, which I guess was probably pretty predictable in hindsight…
