Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
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[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
“Condescending?” Who put that word into your pretty little head?
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
it’s hard to believe that this long, crazy election will finally be over in a few months
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
totally get it, nature valley bar, i also pretend to be healthy and then crumble under the slightest pressure
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Passwords are more important than ever.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Well, well, well. How the wheels on the bus have gone round and round.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
Every gift guide for men is like “A flannel flask to hold your knife flavored whiskey.”
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin