Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
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To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
When I take a walk, I bring dog treats and people treats. I almost never mix them up.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Steering date to cheaper “catch of the yesterday” on seafood menu.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”