Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
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Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
same but as an audience member
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Van Gone
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
🐕🍷
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.
You don’t have toupee.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again