Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
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Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
I tried to cancel the sail I ordered for my new boat but Amazon said:
“We’re sorry, your sail has shipped.”
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”