Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.

*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?

Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?

*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*

gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay

me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks

you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand

I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.

Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.

Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.

My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?

Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.

me: you misspelled school

8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word

me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far

Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…

Me: I have a weekend immune system.

Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?

Prince Charming: This is my real name

Doc: Right

Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*

Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!

Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady

Prince Charming:

Grumpy: Charming indeed

I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me

We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means

There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”

1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie

The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.

Me: This show sucks
Boss: Again..this is a zoom meeting

Killer: come out come out wherever you are

Me: *hiding*

Killer: omg what a cute puppy!

Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man

Him: I’m breaking up with you

Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?

Him: yes

Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay

Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.

me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water

friend: that’s foreboding

me: I know what they’re for

So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?

Dating is hard.

Never really believed in god before but earlier today I was in the ladies room with a coworker and just about to start talking shit about my boss but then inexplicable stopped myself seconds before said boss walked in, feeling absolutely blessed

Breaking news:

USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”

12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.

*Showing me a picture of your baby*

Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?

Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even