Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
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Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
I hate my earbuds.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.