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I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Another interesting #factupdates post!
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.