Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?

5: How come we never do anything fun?

Me: We went to an amusement park..

5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago

Me: It was yesterday

[ funeral ]

me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands

her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping

Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.

Torturer: just tell me what I need know

Me: NEVER

Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*

Me: OKAY I’ll talk

All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.

Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.

Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..

If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again

I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order

Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?

Only short people can save us

Me – Yes hit me Daddy

Boxing opponent – Dude stop please

You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.

Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?

Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.

clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year

me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky

I asked my boss “What do u want me to do with this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap?”

He said “Just pop it in the Corner”.

4 hours it took me!

imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes

M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.

H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.

M-

H-

M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.

4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby

When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up

I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers

Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.

Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊

The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.

After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.

wife: how is it outside?

me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree

Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!

I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.