Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thinking about a snail with a limp

Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?

[at gym]

Him: How much do you bench?

Me: Way less than I couch.

My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”

Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”

ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink

OCTOPUS: Oh hey

In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.

Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn

Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.

*walks into a dollar store*

excuse me, where would I find the dollars?

these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some

That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.

Thanks to autocorrect, I told someone to be the cheese they want to see in the world. But maybe that’s an improvement?

Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough

Satan: what

You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!

*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”

*emotional* yes?

*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*

i don’t need to touch grass i need to touch one million dollars cash

West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.

I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.

Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.

Can confirm.

Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?

Calamarie Kondo: What

Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.

I saw a TikTok where someone realized the filter for the air purifier they’d been using for months had the plastic on it the whole time

I thought “who could be this dumb?” but decided to check mine just for giggles

And guys you’re not going to believe this but….

ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol

DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to

ME: He’s murdered 7 people

I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face

I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese

*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*

“Oh no! My research!!”

Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*

Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.