Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs

Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.

Every laptop should have a “cat” button that disables the keyboard so they can nap

Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.

fedex driver: can i get a name?

sauron: i have many names

fedex driver: ok i just need one tho

When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.

Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.

Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!

Don’t beat an alive horse either.

Absolutely no one

Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….

“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”

Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?

Me- Never, just ask my husband.

[mall]

Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.

robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference

boss: you’re six hours late

Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?

According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.

My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split

I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.

PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.

That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.

When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident. 

[bank]

Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”

Teller: “Checking or…”

Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”

Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”

The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds

Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.

If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people

Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?

I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.

As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.

As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.

Breaking news:

For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.

[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky