Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.

What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?

My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.

They’re his watch dogs.

Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA

LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*

VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!

LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”

[blind date]

HER: I recently found Jesus

ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?

“You are what you eat.”

I’m about 90% burrito.

What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)

6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?

Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money

Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.

Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics

My job’s cybersecurity training said to “never assume a connection is real” and I was like I’m WAY ahead of you, pal

Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?

[Bath & Body Works]

Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen

Coworker: You want to hear a good joke?

Me: Yes, but I’ll settle for one of yours.

[Breaking up]

It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.

This wording makes this visa sound a lot more exciting than it is

5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.

Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”

roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do

“We could do that, or…”

Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.

I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC

You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am

Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?

2020: Haha you have no idea.

Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”

Happy, happy holidays.

My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.

[coworkers chatting about me, to me]

cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰

You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.

Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.

“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy

Him: How’d you get so cute?

Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.