Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
You Might Also Like
Not tryin to impress anyone BUT the priest did just say I had the “body of Christ” right before he fed me a cracker. Gym has been paying off
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
WANTED: Someone to follow me around and whisper “You’re an adult” every few minutes.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.