@LarrysTwin99

Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant

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@BlvckGrip

A horror movie with an all black cast

“Ayo what’s that noise in your basement?”

“None of my business”

“You right”

*credits*

@AlmightyBored

Her: We had our friend for dinner.

Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.

Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.

@WigCannon

before x-rays doctors had to climb inside people and draw a picture of their bones. some still do

@realHamOnWry

What did I learn getting fired today?

Never walk behind your boss, poke his bald spot and yell, “Hey, you’ve got a hole in your haircut”.

@GlennyRodge

“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.

@hunbothered

2000: “With our great minds, in the next 20 years we will be colonizing Mars.”

2020: “Gather round everyone, here’s a video on how to wash your hands.”

@EndhooS

[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.

@TheHyyyype

me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?

mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”

@LlamaInaTux

[First date]

Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.

Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount