@LarrysTwin99

Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant

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@sixfootcandy

Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.

@CarolinaSong

Not tryin to impress anyone BUT the priest did just say I had the “body of Christ” right before he fed me a cracker. Gym has been paying off

@Marlebean

*tries CBD oil for the first time*

“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”

“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”

“So you’re saying there’s a chance”

@batkaren

Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:

@momopface

WANTED: Someone to follow me around and whisper “You’re an adult” every few minutes.

@flashember

Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop

@roxiqt

A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.

@geekysteven

Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”

@markydoodoo

Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.