Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Put on your seatbelt.

13: Do I have to?

Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield

13: cool

Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!

robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe

giraffe: this is bullshit Steve

here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve

*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl

I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣

Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.

Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not

What

We

Eat.

The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.

Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.

Good news: I’m going to live to 157.

DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*

[at a store]

Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?

*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*

Clerk: Well, they’re polarized

Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.

“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.

I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.

cat vs inanimate object

Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.

My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.

Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion

[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend

My dad, who was a nurse, told my mum he would absolutely not take take toddler me to the nurse’s strike picket lines and got busted when my Auntie Sue rang to tell my mum that I was on the 6 o’clock news on my dad’s shoulders, waving a little placard.

Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.

i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there

After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.

Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!

Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?

Priest: yes

Me: and he rose from the grave

Priest: yes…

Me: because of the yeast?

Priest: no

Me: okay, none of this makes sense

Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?

Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.

C:

Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.

stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying “i think it’s so brave that you’re here”

Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…

Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*

[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on

Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away

IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW