@Paxochka

Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.

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@Halbeerz

If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??

@JennInTheCorner

Little known fact: Fergie stopped making music cuz she ran out of words she knew how to spell.

@pinupteacher

All I’m saying is God wouldn’t have given me this wild hair if he didn’t want me to store stuff in it.

*baby hedgehog peaks out*

@HEYWATCHMETWEET

Sex is a lot like chess. It takes strategy, patience, there’s a horse there, the queen is watching.

@YayForJam

Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo

@novicefather

I listen to gangsta rap sprinkled with a little Sarah McLachlan.

Will I murder you?

Will I adopt a puppy with you?

You don’t know.

@HenpeckedHal

son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?

me: I used to, but not anymore

[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!

@TheAlexNevil

My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.

@SonOfCha

Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.