@Paxochka

Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.

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@Iffy_hazard

Have been an Arsenal fan for barely an hour and I’m already frustrated,how have they been coping for the past decade?😭

@Ygrene

[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad

@BoogTweets

I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much

@mydmac

I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.

@ScottLinnen

Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.

@Shade510

Her: Umm…Where are you going?

Me: Walking the dog.

Her: When you get back, we need to talk.

* walks dog…returns 3 days later

@sophielou

Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”

@java_assassin

I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…

“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”

Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…

@lazerdoov

Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom