Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.

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Have been an Arsenal fan for barely an hour and I’m already frustrated,how have they been coping for the past decade?😭


[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad


I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much


I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.


Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.


Her: Umm…Where are you going?

Me: Walking the dog.

Her: When you get back, we need to talk.

* walks dog…returns 3 days later


Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”


I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…

“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”

Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…


Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom