oh my god, i need this to be me in 20 years
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
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If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
Little known fact: Fergie stopped making music cuz she ran out of words she knew how to spell.
All I’m saying is God wouldn’t have given me this wild hair if he didn’t want me to store stuff in it.
*baby hedgehog peaks out*
Sex is a lot like chess. It takes strategy, patience, there’s a horse there, the queen is watching.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
I listen to gangsta rap sprinkled with a little Sarah McLachlan.
Will I murder you?
Will I adopt a puppy with you?
You don’t know.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.