Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
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Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes