Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.

How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?

Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.

opening twitter before 9am is crazy like did you even try to have a good day

*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*

Acme online: people who buy this also buy

– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil

the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again

me: I always sleep naked

flight attendant: no

“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.

At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up

Haircuts should be covered by healthcare

[lights 2019 calendar on fire]

Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.

[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]

When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”

Having a bad vocabulary is very bad

Waiter: How is everything?

Me: This is a salad

Waiter: Yes

Me: I ordered spaghetti

Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude

Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”

Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:

1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.

Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up

Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?

W: Oddly specific but yes

Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry

The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.

I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.

Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”

I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.

Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*

Doctor: What brings you in today?

*trying a new meal*

Wife: how do you like it?

Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good

Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.

After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.

[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT

Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!

My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.

Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.

Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.