Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
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Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Saying “my body is a temple” is for people with money. When you’re poor, your body is a car. Like no it’s not supposed to be making that noise.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
Good news! I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.