Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: what do want for your birthday

Friend: just a gift card or some shit

Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it

Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.

When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.

ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick

My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?

Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.

My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.

My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.

all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person

“For a really awkward time, call me.”

-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.

Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.

My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.

Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.

The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.

WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?

India’s tiger population is up 30%!

[on Ferris wheel]

ME: This is going great.

MY DATE: This is so weird.

UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.

“My door is always open.”

— World’s worst submarine commander

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the lightsaber at home tomorrow

Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!

Alexa: Hold my beer!!!

Never go to sleep after making me angry

GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale

WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point

My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on sale

My search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food

If, I, want to, put, a comma, there, then, I will put, the comma, there.

“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”

My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat

If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs

Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.

My 7yo casually told me he added a parachute to my Amazon cart that needed to be purchased soon with no additional explanation.

My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.

I said it must be my weekend immune system.

I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.

My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.

Absence didn’t work what else ya got?