Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years

What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?

*when the villain in the movie has a PhD*

Viewers without a PhD: Ah, they are just saying he’s a smart villain. Makes sense.

Viewers with a PhD: Ah, grad school and academia drove him to madness. Makes sense.

[First Date]

Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?

*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*

Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!

I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this

Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs

The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.

Hell. No.

Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.

Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.

dentist: have you been flossing?

me: yes 🙂

dentist: your mouth?

me: no 🙁

Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.

how do lawyers not cry when arguing

I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser

me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*

her: I said it’s *petrified* wood

me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me

I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow

I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?

I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.

I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.

You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.

No. You cannot have both.

Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.

My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.

I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.

Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?

My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.

Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.

Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*

HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.

ME: Show me {moves closer}

HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}

ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.

*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.

Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible

My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me

I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!

*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*