Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.

How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?

After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable

I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”

Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me

mom: you’re grounded for today

me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me

[10 years later]

amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm

my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin

One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.

A map of the US presidential election results if you are viewing it as a dog

Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩

Coworker: …

Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?

Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”

I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.

*ignores high blood pressure*

BARISTA: what can I get you

ME: medium roast please

B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato

M: *under breath* damn

A Match(.com), but for socks.

Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war

The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”

Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?

“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”

ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity

FRIEND: who?

ME: *narrows eyes*

The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!

everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will

5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?

Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.

Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.

It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!

It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.

CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.

Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.

I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.

I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door

Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.

(For Judy in Accounting)

In high school I was voted “most likely to hold a grudge” and I’m still fucking mad about it.

I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”