Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
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Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
Stork: I have a baby.
Pigeon: I have the mail.
Canary: I have bad news.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
I got fired from my job at the massage parlor.
No specific reason, apparently I just rub people the wrong way.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
⛄️
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
Dress for the demons you want, not the demons you have
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
If you occasionally blow on your bourbon during a Zoom meeting, the other folks will think you’re enjoying a hot cup of tea.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
