Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!

My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”

44.65

*click*
44.87

*click*
44.96

*click*
44.98

*click*
44.99

*click*
45.01

~ gas pumps

I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.

According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.

The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid

and they really asked ….

If it was in color

Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.

[being taken hostage]

*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest

The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.

*watch tv in separate rooms.

A letter home from Burning Man:

“My Dearest Martha:

I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”

Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?

[being choked to death]

Me: harder

Murderer: wait, what?

Me: again pls

Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here

When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”

I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.

After a certain age your body is like a car boot sale….
Some stuff looks old, some stuff doesn’t work, and some stuff you can’t even identify.

That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.

My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.

Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.

Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?

Her: *5 paragraphs of text

Me: 👍

Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.

*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls

[At Police Station]

“You can make one phone call”

*Dials random #

“Is your fridge running?”

Hospital bills feel like:

Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.

Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.

Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.

I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.

Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.

She just wanted a better look at her surroundings

Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.