guys I’m going home
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friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
This makes total sense…
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
Morning.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Fixed this for Shakespeare
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”