guys I’m going home
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My 7yo said she was a vegetarian & asked for a salad but then complained she wanted chicken on it but “NOT TOO MUCH chicken” because she’s a vegetarian but then she ate the chicken too fast so she’d “actually like more chicken” but “only on salads because I’M A VEGETARIAN.”
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
Following my previous tweet, I would like to clarify that I am not running for mayor. I meant to say that I was running from the mayor but mistyped because I was running at the time.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
True?
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Please be aware that while my posts are largely based on true events, some have had squirrels added for dramatic purposes.
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*