guys I’m going home
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Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
girl broke up with me for talking like a old timey gangster. driving way too fast bc I’m so upset. Wouldn’t be surprised if the brass buttons turned the cherries on and pulled me over
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
Throws some pepperoni slices into my Mac ‘n Cheese. Adds ‘Master Chef’ to my resume.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.