guys I’m not able to take a screenshot of my spotify wrapped but it’s full of super niche underground alt critically acclaimed artists that none of you have probably ever heard of I pinky promise
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Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
Laying in a hammock is essentially saying, “I hope there are no emergencies.”
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.