guys I’m not able to take a screenshot of my spotify wrapped but it’s full of super niche underground alt critically acclaimed artists that none of you have probably ever heard of I pinky promise
You Might Also Like
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
You’re sliding into his DMs, I’m sliding under his bed to rob him after he falls asleep. We’re not the same but we can be accomplices if you want and split it 50/50
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
why did we replace harmless white lies with therapy talk? i don’t need an essay about how you’re setting boundaries so you can’t make it tonight, just say your stomach hurts
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016